Five Guys Burgers & Fries @ Eastern Ave, Las Vegas

It's rare that we review or post a venue that we think is subpar (this blog isn't a tool for ranting)....but WTF? (Seriously?)  We just had to talk about this place....

Okay, so this is one of the fastest growing fast food chains in the country, and with a cult-like following comparable to In-N-Out, it has been at the top of the list for Best Burger in America.  Originally from Virginia, this chain has spread across the country like a brushfire.  Having heard a lot about Five Guys, as soon as it opened in Vegas, we went to try it......

And just as a note, we have eaten here three times, all ending in the same result.  Usually I give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to food, it's not always consistent.... but in the case of Five Guys...it is...

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a diversion tactic!

Five Guys Burgers and Fries is, like in the title, a burger joint.  They also serve Kosher Hot Dogs, Grilled Cheese and Veggie Sandwiches.  Their only side is French Fries in two styles: Five Guys and Cajun Style. Their normal burger has two patties with the usual suspects, Cheeseburger, Bacon Burger and Bacon Cheeseburger, and if you want only one patty, put, 'Little' in front of the former categories.  They tout that everything is fresh, (meat isn't frozen) and Condiments are free, (there's fifteen of them).... And you'll need ALL of them! The hamburger buns are eggier and sweeter than most other breads you'll find in other sandwich chains...

Free peanuts.... like we're a bunch of Elephants..

So you walk inside and its covered in red and white checkered tiles with sacks of peanuts that create a queue to the cash register.  In the Southern tradition, the peanuts are free, and meant to be peeled and shelled onto the floor.....animals......

Everything is made to order so it takes a while, which is the good part.  There are no trays, everything's shoved into a brown paper sack; if you order fries, they just dump a load into the brown bag even though they're in a cup that should contain them-needless to say, they're over portioned- one order feeds four (obesity in America running alive and well here).

I feel like I'm back in school

Everything's fried in peanut oil, and to say they are pretty darn good is an understatement, (only get the Cajun Style if you really like them hot...cuz you're gonna burn)....

It's a HOT MESS in there!!!

Now, being that it's primary product is burgers, you would expect that what you're gonna get is a good, quality burger.  However, this is not the case; each time we tried the Bacon Cheeseburger we couldn't taste the burger component of the sandwich, instead, all we tasted was the condiments... Now to be totally honest, we did have the burger, 'All The Way' which  means we had every condiment on the Burger, and the condiments itself were spectacular!!! I mean, the cheese was excellent quality, the pickles were superb, tart and crunchy and the sauces had a tanginess that is hard to find in your run of the mill fast food chain restaurant.  But I mean, come on!  There was absolutely no taste of meat whatsoever; it was like a condiments sandwich with meat filler by product! What am I?  Vegetarian?  Is this Seitan? Have I slipped into a parallel universe where burgers are vegan while Whole Foods serves msg and nitrates at their salad bars?

Looks good......but looks can be deceiving.......even the pickle is trying to run away!!!

After the third try, I just about had it!  I was gonna get to the bottom of this mystery-what did the hell did thy do to this poor cow? Why did it have to come to it's untimely death, only to be utterly unenjoyable meat?  This bovine cacophony was upsetting me to no end!!

So I decided to go back and order just a Hamburger, no condiments, no nothing just to see how the burger fared without any bells & whistles.  And as I was ordering my, 'nekkid' hamburger, the look on the girl at the counter was of sheer horror,  an utter dread upon the realization that we were about to uncover the nefarious secret of Five Guys.

So this is what it really looks like......the camera can't even focus on it..

So when we got our burger and tried it, our greatest fears were confirmed....  It was the worst quality meat you find; with no condiments there was nothing to mask it's unpleasant flavor.  As you can tell, it's quite lean (and dry as a used Hockey puck) there was a weak hint of unpleasant beef , but only as an undercurrent of something stronger, more rancid (ammonia)?  Pink Slime doesn't hold a candle to this piece of masticated, intestine, collagen knuckle gristle patty.....

But after having four burgers here, I was satisfied that it wasn't just a one time experience, it's consistently a poor product.  I don't know how they've managed to trick the rest of America, but this is not a burger joint, it's a wayward homeless shelter for discarded animal carcasses.  Needless to say, I'd rather dumpster dive for my next meal than go back to Five Guys..

Oh yeah, we also had the Hot Dog......meh........................good condiments tho....

Ratings (Out of Five Stars)

Food:           0.5

Ambience:   1

Service         3  (they're nice people)